Sleepy Sundays | The one where I talk about my insecurities

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Like any human being, there are things I am insecure about. But the one I’m going to talk about today is my biggest insecurity of them all, even though I often put a brave face on about it; I have a thyroid condition. A newly diagnosed one at that. I know that it is something that is incredibly common in the world, and that many people are living with it every day, but it is hard for me. I’ve never gone through anything like this before. Usually I can push the insecurities and fears out of my mind, and make myself feel confident again, but then there are days like today, when it just doesn’t work.

As I’m laying here in bed on this hot and humid Sunday, I’ve been thinking about things and I felt the feeling bubbling up inside me. The feeling that I try to suppress. Sadness; sadness based solely on feeling insecure with the way I look now because of this illness.

I have hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed with it about a month ago, and I’m still learning just what it means. I’ve been told that it’s possible to find the right medication, and the right dosage to put things back in balance, and to help me look more like my old self, but my body will always be scarred from this, and I will never look exactly the same.

About a year ago, I started gaining weight, after no change in diet or anything to prompt a weight gain to go into motion. Once it began, I changed up my diet for healthier food, tried to work out more; anything and everything to combat the problem. Nothing helped. I just kept gaining and gaining and gaining weight, and my doctors didn’t see any need to check on anything or to see if there was another problem happening; not until about a month ago, when I came in weighing the most that I ever have in my entire life, and nearly in tears because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. It was only at that point that they ran some tests and figured out that I had Hypothyroidism.

As someone that knew nothing about it, and had never really heard of it, I was concerned. But rather than going on and on about the specifics of the illness, I’d rather just give you this link, and let you learn about it as you please. In truth, this post is less about the illness, and more about my feelings.

I’ve never been one to place too high of a value on looks. I’ve always viewed people from the outside in, even if it’s hard to believe that people really do that. I’ve never dated anyone because of their looks, or turned anyone down because of their looks, and the same goes for friendships. I believe the person you are speaks so much louder than what your outward appearance is. Maybe that’s just me being too philosophical about things, but whatever. It is a fact that not all of us can age like Jennifer Aniston and Johnny Depp. For the most part, everyone’s bodies will change, and falling for a person based on their looks would not be helpful for a lasting relationship because those looks will inevitably disappear; but that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.

What if I fall for someone, and they take one look at what I look like right now, and don’t want to give me the chance to show them who I am. Does that make any sense? Like, I know that I’m a good person, and I personally feel like I have a lot to offer in a friendship and a relationship, but what if no one is able to look past this new exterior that I have?

I know that these thoughts are silly, and that anyone as shallow as someone would have to be to do that wouldn’t be someone that I’d want in my life, but I can’t stop myself from having these insecurities every so often. I now identify myself as fat. I hate having my picture taken now because I don’t want to see what I look like. It holds me back from putting myself out there. It makes me think that no one would ever be interested in me. It makes me feel completely unattractive. It makes me want to hide. It makes me want to just give up.

But as I type this, I’m reminded that just because I may be fat for the time being (I do apologize to anyone that doesn’t like the usage of the term “fat”, it’s just how I feel I want to describe myself in my current state), it won’t necessarily always be the case. I start medication in a week or so, and that could turn things around. I could start to lose the weight, and I could start to regain a sense of normalcy. But I feel like this sense of… I don’t know… this sense of feeling like I’m less than someone else. Like, why would this person choose me, when he could have that girl over there that looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Do any of you feel the same way sometimes? I know men go through the same feelings at times, which oddly enough makes me feel a little bit better about it.

I’m rambling at this point, I know, but that’s what these Sleepy Sunday posts are for. To give me a platform to ramble through my thoughts, in hopes that I may sort something out in my mind through the act of writing it all down. I haven’t sorted through this one though. I’ve only thrown it all out there for you to absorb. I don’t know what you should take out of it, and I’m more than positive that it was poorly written, but at some point, you just have to put your feelings out there and hope for the best.

By no means do I want anyone reading this to feel bad for me, this isn’t something that I worry about every second of my life, but it is something I wanted to put out there. And by no means do I want anyone to feel like I’m just attention seeking here, because that’s not the case either. The point of it all, is simply that this is my life, and this is something I struggle with, and this is how I feel about it. That’s it. No underlying meanings. No philosophical meaning to be had. Just words. Just the ramblings of a girl, feeling insecure, not able to accept her changing body, and worrying that no one that she’s interested in will be able to look past it. Surely someone out there must understand how that feels.

To end this post on a more positive note, I have been writing a few more posts this weekend that I’m excited to share with you! Two travel inspiration posts, one personal post, and my very first book review post! I can’t wait to get them finished up and posted for you all to read, and I truly hope you enjoy them!

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

24 thoughts on “Sleepy Sundays | The one where I talk about my insecurities

    1. Oh Lexie, I don’t need to have met you to know you are absolutely beautiful inside and out.
      I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, and hope in the weeks since you posted it that you’re feeling better. You seem to be a fabulous person to me – very clever, kinda genuine. You have so many followers on YOU that I’m in awe! Look after yourself, love yourself; and don’t deny yourself anything. love Claire x x x x x

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sorry to hear that 😦 Although there isn’t a ‘cure’ as far as I know, the current medications are fairly effective, and advancements are always being made. As for the weight gain, as hard as it sounds you’re going to have to learn to accept yourself like that. This really touched me reading it, as I’m a medical student and while we learn about conditions such as this, seeing how it affects someone is completely different. Stay strong, keep us all updated. I’ve followed you

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    1. It is something I’ve accepted to a point, but we all have our bad days. Sometimes the insecurities take control and there’s no stopping them. Another symptom of this whole thing is depression, and it is when I’m feeling depressed that the insecurities take hold, so hopefully the medication will combat that as well! 🙂 I will most definitely keep everyone posted as to how my progress goes over the next few months. Thank you for following!

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  2. Not to worry I finally got my doctor to recognize I am hypothyroid and it was like the end of a jail sentence. My weight came down, my scarring alopecia went dormant, my eye problems went away and my chronic hives became under control (sort of). I gained back energy I had lost, my mental acuity improved dramatically and even my bipolar depression became a little less for awhile! So hang in, there are several good drugs on the market and you will learn the right dosage. It is a plus to know!! C

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    1. I can’t wait to begin my journey back to normalcy! I am encouraged by the results you’ve had. I did feel instantly relieved when I got the diagnosis (before being worried about it because I had no idea what it was), because at least I knew I wasn’t crazy. People kept telling me I was gaining weight because I wasn’t eating right, and that I wasn’t sleeping well because I didn’t wake up early enough, and that I was depressed because I didn’t get enough exercise; the list goes on and on. People had reasons for everything going on with me, and no one thought to put it all together and see that there was something medically wrong.
      If you have any advice on living with this and on how to get through the process of helping things even out again, I would really love to hear it! You can comment here or go to my “contact me” tab on the top of my page and send me an email if you’d like. Any information or encouragement you can give would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know anyone personally that is going through any of this.

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  3. This is a very emotional piece. I admire you for writing this kind of work because it takes courage to post something as deep as this for everyone to see.also I can relate to this because when I was diagnosed with narcolepsy I hated myself because I would always fall asleep in class and people started to look at me differently which made me self conscious about myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel for you. It is never easy having something that sets you apart from other people in a “negative” way.
      It definitely wasn’t easy to post, as it really is a fairly deep seeded insecurity, but I felt like it was important, you know?

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      1. Ya what really made me mad and disappointed is when the kids at school would purposely wake me up on the bus when it was even my stop or when I would have something to say they didn’t like they would tell me to go to sleep.

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  4. Hey! I’m in the same boat as you! I’ll never forget being in Uni and being so down and so tired all the time! My weight was spiralling out of control and nothing I did to change it made any difference. Eventually I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and, even though I’m now on medication for the rest of my life, and even though I still struggle with my weight, I glad that it’s under control. Anyone I’ve spoken to has told me that weight will always be an issue with hypothyroidism and I’ve just come to accept the fact that I may never be as slim as I once was. It sucks. And I too feel as though no man would ever find me attractive. I don’t out myself out there and I do feel lonely and dejected at times, but I know that it won’t last forever. It’s a struggle because the things you should be able to control are taken slightly out of your reach and you’ll feel like you’re being stupid, making excuses for things that most others have no problem doing… But you will have good times too, just keep taking your meds. I’ve been on mine since 2006 and in April and May I didn’t take my meds because I was so busy each morning that it was the last thing on my mind… It was like starting from scratch again afterwards. It does suck to be on medication for the rest of your life, but it makes a huge difference in your day to day life! Sending you hugs… I know it sucks… But things could be a million times worse and we should be grateful that this is a treatable/manageable condition! Xxx

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  5. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with a thyroid condition. I hope the medication helps you feel better quickly!
    Thyroid problems seem to run in my family: my mother and older sister are both on thyroid meds.

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  6. I have struggled for years with thyroid issues. To make matters worse, my tests always came back within normal limits. It was only when the Dr. I started seeing last year dug deeper and took more tests that it was figured out that my thyroid was involved. I am also grateful to that Dr. because the tests were the incentive it took to take me in and get an ultrasound of my “enlarged” thyroid that I lived with most of my life. Mind you, it isn’t noticeable from the outside. That ultrasound found the “nodule” on my thyroid and now we watch it and this may have been a life saving find; only time will tell. You have now entered the other side, the knowing and that is a positive.

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  7. I don’t have any thyroid issues, but when I was 16 I was diagnosed with chronic Osteomyelitis (it’s an inflammation of the bone).. It took me a long time until I accepted the illness. But the longer you live it, the more it becomes “normal”. You can deal with it. I know how hard it is, but things get easier!

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  8. You really put up a brave face putting up your feelings here. Kudos to that ! Life will throw up challenges in form or another, one after the other. How you chose to face them,and react to them makes you the person you are. And I see a strong, bold person here. Keep doing this Lexie.

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  9. While you will more than likely find some people who will “look past” you for others, I get the feeling you’ll find a lot more who will appreciate the person you are. The person you continue to demonstrate you are. By being honest, open, and quirky in your own way. Things like this are unfortunate and while they will change your life- it doesn’t always need to be for the worse! Sometimes you’ll find something about yourself, learn something new, or see things differently as a result of it.

    I know that when I got together with my ex there were people who made remarks about her weight/appearance and it bothered me. Not only because she was my girlfriend, that there was nothing wrong with her appearance, and that she was a good person- but because they felt that was necessary. That showed me the kind of people they were (and that’s why I don’t talk to them any more).

    Keep being awesome! I hope things continue to improve for you. 🙂

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  10. I know the canned response to this is one of many clichés, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” “you can’t judge a book by its cover” etc…

    My only pearl of wisdom would be that when someone does truly see you for the greatness inside, regardless of your outside appearance, accept it. I mean fully accept it and embrace it. Don’t fight them or tell them the reasons they are wrong.

    There are people in this world that see things differently, who understand the bigger picture and appreciate a kind soul whatever package it comes in. Use their positive energy to help mold your insecurities into wings of expression and freedom.

    I myself feel this way from time to time and probably more so before than in the present but that’s only because I learned the hard way. I had gotten comfortable in a relationship I was in and when my significant other started mentioning things about my weight I got extremely insecure- I wanted to change myself to become what she wanted or what I thought she wanted. I did everything I could to be the person I thought she wanted me to be and it got me exactly nowhere. at that point I was not only unhappy but I had conformed so much that I lost my sense of self- the things that I enjoy, the qualities that make me great. Believe me, a year ago I’d say there weren’t so many but today I know my worth and it has nothing to do with what’s on the outside. I know this isn’t exactly the same thing but I feel like the emotions are similar.

    The truth is there is a little vanity in everyone regardless of what we say. everyone wants to look good to someone else but its your ability to see and embrace the beauty within which allows others to do the same. After all, we cant expect other people to do what we haven’t done yet and once you see yourself in a 100% shining light it will be impossible for anyone to do
    any different. Great post topic, even this reply was therapeutic, thank you.

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