30 Day Writing Challenge | Day 23

Day 23: Write a letter to someone, anyone.

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Dear Future Husband,

How are you? Wonderful I hope. I haven’t met you yet, but I hope I do someday soon. Are you the prince charming I dreamt of as a child? Are you Matthew Gray Gubler? Probably not. That’s okay. I obviously love you anyway. Even though I don’t know you yet, I think of you often. I think of how my life could be. Will I still live here in Missouri? Is that where you are from? I don’t know anything about you yet. I don’t know what your sibling’s names are, or if you even have any. I don’t know what your favorite color is, or if you love chocolate as much as me. I don’t know how tall you are, but I do hope I managed to find someone taller than me, that would be lovely, but if you aren’t, that’s fine too. I obviously love you anyway. Do you like to read as much as I do? Do you love your family? Are you a cat person or a dog person? Did you let me have the nerdy wedding of my dreams? Was it the wedding of your dreams as well? I have so many questions for you, ones that I’m sure you have for me as well.

You know that Meghan Trainor song, “Dear Future Husband”? I hate that song. This letter will be nothing like that. I don’t have all these requirements for you or expectations of those sorts for you, but there are some things I hope you are able to do for me. I hope you’re faithful. I’ve seen what cheating can do to a family, and I don’t want to go through it. Please be a good man, though I’m sure you are, I mean, I married you, you must be good. I hope you’re understanding. You must be if you decided to settle down with me. There’s no way you could survive a relationship with me without being understanding. I hope you will treat me the way I should be treated, with kindness and respect, just as I will always do the same for you. I hope you’re a good father. I don’t know if we’ll have our own kids, or if we’ll adopt, but I hope you teach our children all the right things in life. I hope you’ll teach our sons to be good men, giving them the best example to follow. And I hope you’ll show our daughters just how they should be treated. And I hope together, we can instill the best values in our children, and show them all the love and kindness, and sometimes firmness, that we have to offer them. I hope we can teach them to live their lives without hate, and teach them that everyone deserves their best chance in life to be happy, regardless of race, gender, or sexuality; I hope we teach them that people are people, and love is love. I don’t expect you to treat me like a princess everyday of our lives, though that would be nice once in a while, everyone wants to feel special, but I do hope you always treat me like a human being. I hope you value the things I do in life, and I hope you love every part of me, the good and the bad, just as I will of you.

I hope you’re the kind of man that doesn’t base his love on my appearance. I hope you’ll love me no matter how big or small I am, and will support me through any changes that happen in my life, just as I will for you. I hope you’ll be there for me if I get sick, and will hold my hand through any hard times, just as I will for you.

There’s so much I want to say to you, to a man I’ve never met. But I suppose it all can be summed up in three words; I love you. I must do, if I’m marrying you. Do you love me too? Let’s hope so, because you’re stuck with me. I don’t want to be in the percentage of marriages that fail. I want mine to last. So any fights, any bumps in the road, any hardships, I hope we can always remember our love for one another, and that we can work through anything and everything. Love is hard work, but it’s worth it. I hope you let me name our children the names I’ve always wanted, I hope you let me pick the music in the car, I hope you give me foot rubs when I’m feeling upset because that always makes me feel better, I hope you hug me when I’m angry to calm me down, I hope you tell me when I’m acting crazy to help me see straight again, I hope we love each other unconditionally because that’s how it’s supposed to be.

When we’re old and gray, and our kids have moved on, I hope we still feel the same love for each other that we felt on our wedding day, more love if possible. I hope we grow old together. I hope I can make you happy.

I can’t wait to meet you someday, hopefully soon, I’m sure you will be everything I never knew I wanted in a man.

Love,

Your Future Wife

Sleepy Sundays | Why do some men act like this?

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Here I am, once again laying in bed with a nice hot cup of tea, setting out to write down all the thoughts in my mind. This one however, is more difficult to write. I don’t know what words to use to express how I’m feeling right now. Let me preface this post by saying that I am a romantic person, a hopeless one at that. I love the whole concept of romance and love, and hope with every inch of me that I’ll be able to find that love and romance that so many others have managed to find. I want to find someone to grow with, to learn with, and to explore with. I do not however, need to find someone to complete me. I am complete all on my own. I don’t need anyone to be happy in life. I can be happy all on my own. I want to find someone that compliments who I am in that perfect way, that way that makes us each even better people together than we would be separately. I want someone that is kind, and adventurous. I want someone that isn’t afraid to dream. I want someone that isn’t afraid of being themselves. I know that I am not a perfect person. I have flaws like everyone else. I have a little too much fat hanging around on my body, I tend to over-think things in the simplest of situations, I can be passionate and overly emotional at times, and I have forever lived with my head in the clouds. But I have always, and will always be kind to anyone and everyone I meet, live my life with integrity, and take every opportunity for adventure that comes my way, and I hope that someday I will find a man that accepts me for who and what I am, and gives me the chance to do the same. With all these things running through my mind, I also find it important to say that I will never settle. Far too often these days, I hear family members and various other people commenting on my love life. Just last week I heard my mother tell someone that I’ve “simply given up on men and love”. But that’s just not the case. I have given up on something, but it isn’t love, and it isn’t men; I’ve given up on living my life to please other people, and I officially gave up on it last night at 11:57 pm.

Last night, I went on a date. A date that I only agreed to go on to please my family and friends. To show them that I haven’t given up and that I still want to find love. I do this every so often, when people seem to be getting antsy about me sitting in my room too often, or laying at the park with my nose in a book too frequently, and this time was no different. A friend of mine made a comment about my dating life in front of my mother, and it started this whole conversation between them about me, while I was sitting right in front of them. And by the end of it, they had convinced me to say that I would love to go out with my friend’s boyfriend’s brother. A blind date. A horrible blind date at that.

Yesterday was the day, and I did my best to stay positive about it, I even managed to get a bit excited about the prospect of meeting someone new and maybe hitting it off. It’s been nearly two years since I ended my last real relationship, and I guess I assumed that maybe it was time to take dating seriously again. That’s not to say that I haven’t gone on dates since I ended my relationship, I’ve gone on plenty, the issue here, is that they’ve almost all gone the same way this one did; horribly.

I got to the restaurant, after having made the whole effort that a girl is expected to on a date; hair, makeup, outfit, the whole thing. He arrived a bit later, and greeted me nicely, gave me a little compliment, all good things so far. It was only when we sat down at the table and started talking that I started to become increasingly upset and annoyed with the whole situation. The waiter arrived and my date didn’t bother to look at him, greet him, or do anything that common courtesy and manners would normally see as standard procedure for interacting with another human being. He was just quite cold about the whole situation. But I shrugged it off and tried to keep things going. I told him about school, and all the things I’ve been up to recently, and various other things that you talk about when trying to get to know another person, but he seemed to only want to talk about himself, mainly the things that he has or the things that he’s accomplished, nothing about who he was or the person that he hopes to be. Almost as if I should be impressed and appreciative that I was able to be sitting at the same table as him. I tried to ignore it and just kept going with the date. But then the worst part of the evening came. The waiter brought the food to the table, and everything went downhill. My date was apparently displeased with the service, or the food, or something, I’m still not sure what set it all into motion, but he started being incredibly rude to the waiter, saying that he didn’t know how to do his job and calling him various names that I can’t quite remember at the moment, then called the manager over and was rude to him as well. I was so embarrassed by the whole situation that I couldn’t manage to stay any longer. I complained of a stomach ache, ended the date early, and went home to get into my pajamas, eat some ice cream, and heal from the trauma that is “dating”.

My question for you is why do some men act like this? The majority of the dates I’ve been on lately have gone similarly to this. Is it me? Do I attract men with huge egos and issues with being nice? Is it just the fact that I live in a city in the middle of Midwestern America? Am I overreacting? The whole idea of dating is hard for me. I don’t like the idea of getting dressed up and trying to sell myself to another person, trying to show them all the good bits about me and trying to hide the insecurities that I have about my body and my looks. Its all just filled with so much pressure. So is that why these men that I’ve gone out with have acted like that? Because of pressure? Who knows. All I know is that after eating half a pint of ice cream and binge watching episodes of Friends, at 11:57 pm Saturday on the 23rd of May, I officially gave up on pleasing other people. The next date I go on, will be with someone that I truly want to go out with, someone that is interested in me for me, and someone that I have things in common with. I don’t care if it takes me months or years to find someone that I really want to go out with, or if I have to go to another country to find that person; I refuse to let myself fall into the trap of living my life to make everyone else happy or to fit in to the mold of what I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Maybe the person I am meant to be with is sitting somewhere in Europe or Australia or Canada, dreaming of finding a girl just like me. Maybe he’ll be the sort of man that is kind to the people around him. Maybe he’ll be a dreamer. Maybe he’ll want to explore the world with me. Maybe he will be perfectly imperfect, just right for me. Maybe he’ll be my happily ever after, wrapped in a bundle of silly conversations, morning snuggles, netflix binges, love that isn’t based on appearances, arguments that only last a moment, and a life time of adventures.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

Sleepy Sundays | What will my future be like?

Once again, I wanted to start this post out with an explanation of the title, and just what this post is all about. Like I said before, I’ve been thinking of doing some series sorts of posts, and I think I’d like this one to be weekly, written and posted every Sunday. A day where I lay in bed on a Sunday morning, sipping a cup of tea, and just write down what is going through my mind. All along I have wanted this blog to be personal, I’ve wanted it to be a place where I could share my thoughts, feelings, and day-to-day life with whoever wants to listen, and I think this particular series of weekly posts is one way to go about it. I approached a friend and fellow blogger for advice on how to go about blogging and how to stay true to what I wanted when I started this and what he thinks about when working on his blog, and his words really resonated with me. He told me to think about what matters to me, and he said “I think about how I would feel, if I was reading my blog in 50 years time. I’d want to be reading about my memories and feelings, my experiences and my opinions. Think about events in your life that have shaped you. Think about what inspires you now. Think about who you really are. The things around you won’t always be there when you leave home and grow old. The magic will be being able to open up your blog and remembering fondly, all those happy moments. Just be you!” So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. And these Sunday posts will be all of those things wrapped up into one neat little (or extremely large, who knows!) post about the things running through my mind each and every sleepy, snuggly, Sunday morning.

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As I lay in bed this morning, with my slightly too hot tea burning my mouth, and my toast leaving a trail of crumbs on my duvet, I can’t help but be happy. Nothing in particular is making me happy today, I suppose it’s just life really. Burning my tongue and making a mess of things isn’t something that would usually start someone’s day off the right way, but for me today it is. I’ve been laying here for an hour now, being completely and absolutely lazy, with no end in sight. Jack Johnson is playing in the background, and the ceiling fan is going full blast in an attempt to counteract the humid heat that’s plaguing me at the moment with summer quickly approaching. As I’m laying here, one topic has been racing through my mind, as it often does, and I just can’t help but wonder what my future holds. Will I ever finish this degree and be finished with college? Will all these student loans kill me like I think they will? Will I ever meet the right guy for me? Does the right guy for me even exist? Where will I be living? Will my dreams of moving to England actually come true, or are they just pipe dreams? Will I have a family? Would I be a good mom? A good wife? A good friend? There are so many questions and thoughts that circle in my mind surrounding this always daunting topic. I often daydream about what my “ideal” future would be, though I say that quite loosely as it is different every time I imagine it. One day I’ll imagine myself being a novelist living in England, in Dorset overlooking the seaside, or in a small village, with a dog and a cat, in a cozy little cottage, living happily waiting for the right guy to come along and sweep me off my feet, eventually starting a family and leisurely traveling the world. Other times I’ll see myself living in busy London, being happily single, working my way up the corporate ladder, but taking time to myself to write and explore the world. Other times still, I just see myself as a nomad, traveling the world, going from place to place, immersing myself into the cultures of the places I’ve been, chronicling my life through books and photographs. All of these variations of my imagined future life would be amazing, but I have to say, the first one would be my favorite. Those sorts of happily ever after scenarios have always been a dream, I mean, who wouldn’t want that? I’ve never wanted a crazy extravagant life, I’ve always been a bit more simple than that. Honestly, all I want in life is to be happy and comfortable. I don’t need a big fancy house, or to be the head of a big corporation, I just need to know that I’ve stayed on the path that I wanted to be on, and that I am well and truly happy with the way my life is going. If someone can say that about their life and mean it, then I’d say that their life has turned out pretty perfectly.

All in all, I’m more than aware that I will never be able to predict my future. But it sure feels nice to dream about it.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx