Sleepy Sundays | I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22

My brother and I, at my first birthday, August 7th, 1994.  Yes, I still eat cake that way.
My brother and I, at my first birthday, August 7th, 1994.
Yes, I still eat cake that way.

Birthdays. What can you say about them really? Some people love them and some people hate them, but I for one, fall into the “love” group wholeheartedly (for the most part). I am not someone that dreads getting older or has an existential crisis every time their birthday rolls around, but I am someone that does a lot of contemplating and thinking when this day comes back around each year.

I'm pretty sure I saw a girl leaving Starbucks wearing this exact sunflower dress yesterday. The baby version of me was such a trendsetter.
I’m pretty sure I saw a girl leaving Starbucks wearing this exact sunflower dress yesterday.
The baby version of me was such a trendsetter.

Friday, August 7th, was my birthday. I spent it with friends and family having one of my favorite meals, eating yummy cupcakes, enjoying more than a few cocktails, and reminiscing about life and all the birthdays I’ve celebrated before this one. Every year for at least the last 5 years or so, I sit down, and just think. I think about all the things I have or haven’t done this past year, I think about the chances I took and the ones I let slip by, I think of all the happy and sad times, and I think of what I expected life to be at this moment. I always have a clear picture of what I want my life to be and where I want to end up, and coming to terms with the fact that I have no control over those things is a tough one for me. Well, I wouldn’t say that I have absolutely no control, but there are many things that just happen how they are mean’t to in life, and there’s not much you can do about it.

This is still the face I make when someone asks me to "smile for the camera!"
This is still the face I make when someone asks me to “smile for the camera!”

In a perfect world* (from the point of view of a daydreaming, introverted, bookworm that has an intense love for adventure and smiles), I would be travelling right now. Making the most of my youth, exploring all the places I’ve written about on this blog and many, many more. I would be standing on top of a mountain in Greece, staring off into the ocean contently thinking about where I’ll go next and what places I want to see. I’d be writing every day, and putting it all out there for the world to see. I’d never worry about money or material things, because who needs that when you have so much to see and do in life? Books would never be far from my hands and a smile would never be far from my face. I’d be happy, in the purest sense of the word.

But it isn’t my perfect world. Instead, I’m a struggling student, working a full-time, at a supremely boring and mundane office job, while tackling a full-time course load. I’m stuck in midwestern Missouri in the middle of America, with no funds to get out. I’m drowning myself in student loan debt in hopes of giving myself a better future. I’m boyfriendless and single in a place where that is a rarity. I’m not fit and healthy, as I would so love to be. I’m not writing everyday or living out my passions and dreams. But one thing that I realized on my birthday this year, is that I am happy. In the purest sense of the word. And that is all that matters to me right now. I may not be where I’ve dreamt of being in life, but I’m happy. I’m meeting new people and making new friends all the time. I’m exploring my own city and creating my own adventures. I’m writing a lot more than I used to, even if all of that writing is still sitting in my drafts folder and hasn’t been posted here.

This is one of many football team related photoshoots that my parents forced upon me as a child. American parents and their sports, you can't get away from it.
This is one of many football team related photoshoots that my parents forced upon me as a child. American parents and their sports, you can’t get away from it.

This birthday has shown me that I don’t always need to be in control. I can still lead a happy life, even if it isn’t what I expected it to be. Even when I have hard days, and bad days, and even on those days where I just want to sit on the floor and cry from all the stress, it will all be worth it in the end, and it is all worth it right this moment, just for those days where I am filled with pure happiness.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the little glimpses into my life and child hood throughout this post with the random photographs I’ve decided to throw in. What’s a good birthday post without a little bit of a throw back.

I will leave you now, as I always should, with a quote from Harry Potter.

What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does. -Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, page 719

And now, at the very end, you get me, in my current state. Hair that somehow always manages to be untidy at all times, Superhero t-shirts, and a cat in the background.
And now, at the very end, you get me, in my current state. Hair that somehow always manages to be untidy at all times, Superhero t-shirts, and a cat in the background.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

Sleepy Sundays | The one where I talk about my insecurities

(Source)
(Source)

Like any human being, there are things I am insecure about. But the one I’m going to talk about today is my biggest insecurity of them all, even though I often put a brave face on about it; I have a thyroid condition. A newly diagnosed one at that. I know that it is something that is incredibly common in the world, and that many people are living with it every day, but it is hard for me. I’ve never gone through anything like this before. Usually I can push the insecurities and fears out of my mind, and make myself feel confident again, but then there are days like today, when it just doesn’t work.

As I’m laying here in bed on this hot and humid Sunday, I’ve been thinking about things and I felt the feeling bubbling up inside me. The feeling that I try to suppress. Sadness; sadness based solely on feeling insecure with the way I look now because of this illness.

I have hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed with it about a month ago, and I’m still learning just what it means. I’ve been told that it’s possible to find the right medication, and the right dosage to put things back in balance, and to help me look more like my old self, but my body will always be scarred from this, and I will never look exactly the same.

About a year ago, I started gaining weight, after no change in diet or anything to prompt a weight gain to go into motion. Once it began, I changed up my diet for healthier food, tried to work out more; anything and everything to combat the problem. Nothing helped. I just kept gaining and gaining and gaining weight, and my doctors didn’t see any need to check on anything or to see if there was another problem happening; not until about a month ago, when I came in weighing the most that I ever have in my entire life, and nearly in tears because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. It was only at that point that they ran some tests and figured out that I had Hypothyroidism.

As someone that knew nothing about it, and had never really heard of it, I was concerned. But rather than going on and on about the specifics of the illness, I’d rather just give you this link, and let you learn about it as you please. In truth, this post is less about the illness, and more about my feelings.

I’ve never been one to place too high of a value on looks. I’ve always viewed people from the outside in, even if it’s hard to believe that people really do that. I’ve never dated anyone because of their looks, or turned anyone down because of their looks, and the same goes for friendships. I believe the person you are speaks so much louder than what your outward appearance is. Maybe that’s just me being too philosophical about things, but whatever. It is a fact that not all of us can age like Jennifer Aniston and Johnny Depp. For the most part, everyone’s bodies will change, and falling for a person based on their looks would not be helpful for a lasting relationship because those looks will inevitably disappear; but that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.

What if I fall for someone, and they take one look at what I look like right now, and don’t want to give me the chance to show them who I am. Does that make any sense? Like, I know that I’m a good person, and I personally feel like I have a lot to offer in a friendship and a relationship, but what if no one is able to look past this new exterior that I have?

I know that these thoughts are silly, and that anyone as shallow as someone would have to be to do that wouldn’t be someone that I’d want in my life, but I can’t stop myself from having these insecurities every so often. I now identify myself as fat. I hate having my picture taken now because I don’t want to see what I look like. It holds me back from putting myself out there. It makes me think that no one would ever be interested in me. It makes me feel completely unattractive. It makes me want to hide. It makes me want to just give up.

But as I type this, I’m reminded that just because I may be fat for the time being (I do apologize to anyone that doesn’t like the usage of the term “fat”, it’s just how I feel I want to describe myself in my current state), it won’t necessarily always be the case. I start medication in a week or so, and that could turn things around. I could start to lose the weight, and I could start to regain a sense of normalcy. But I feel like this sense of… I don’t know… this sense of feeling like I’m less than someone else. Like, why would this person choose me, when he could have that girl over there that looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Do any of you feel the same way sometimes? I know men go through the same feelings at times, which oddly enough makes me feel a little bit better about it.

I’m rambling at this point, I know, but that’s what these Sleepy Sunday posts are for. To give me a platform to ramble through my thoughts, in hopes that I may sort something out in my mind through the act of writing it all down. I haven’t sorted through this one though. I’ve only thrown it all out there for you to absorb. I don’t know what you should take out of it, and I’m more than positive that it was poorly written, but at some point, you just have to put your feelings out there and hope for the best.

By no means do I want anyone reading this to feel bad for me, this isn’t something that I worry about every second of my life, but it is something I wanted to put out there. And by no means do I want anyone to feel like I’m just attention seeking here, because that’s not the case either. The point of it all, is simply that this is my life, and this is something I struggle with, and this is how I feel about it. That’s it. No underlying meanings. No philosophical meaning to be had. Just words. Just the ramblings of a girl, feeling insecure, not able to accept her changing body, and worrying that no one that she’s interested in will be able to look past it. Surely someone out there must understand how that feels.

To end this post on a more positive note, I have been writing a few more posts this weekend that I’m excited to share with you! Two travel inspiration posts, one personal post, and my very first book review post! I can’t wait to get them finished up and posted for you all to read, and I truly hope you enjoy them!

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

Sleepy Sundays | The one with a cold

I took this photo in Ontario on the shore of Lake Superior. This is where I wish I was right now.
I took this photo in Ontario on the shore of Lake Superior. This is where I wish I was right now.

Once again, I’m laying in bed, this time with a cup of hot chocolate nearly overflowing with whipped cream, and a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on top. It’s happiness in a cup, and happiness is what I need right now. Yesterday I intended to write and post a blog post, wash all the bed sheets, go to lunch with some friends, maybe see a movie, then have a relaxing evening at home, but sadly, the universe intervened. I ended up at home all day in bed with a pounding headache and a cold. Netflix was my only comfort as I stayed snuggled up in bed with blankets and pillows all around me. There weren’t enough tissues or cough drops in the world to help me. But I thought maybe I’d wake up this morning and be good as new, “maybe it’s a 24-hour thing” I told myself, but no, wrong again. If it’s possible, I feel even worse today. Achy all over, sneezy, sleepy, and all the other seven dwarfs too. Sick days are never fun, but they are especially crap when its the weekend, the only two days when there’s no work and you’re meant to be having a nice time before the dreaded Monday rolls back around. But instead of enjoying these past couple of days, I’ve been here, in this spot, on my bed, in these pajamas, making my way through the titles available to me on Netflix, going through two boxes of tissues, a half gallon of orange juice, and an endless amount of cough drops. Lemon Mint Ricola cough drops to be exact, my favorites. The only saving grace is when it’s time to take more NyQuil to have a little rest.

This is one of those times when a boyfriend would be nice. The time when I’d love to have someone to keep me company, play with my hair to make me feel better, have a Netflix binge with; someone that can just all around make me feel better and make me laugh through all the sickly feelings. But alas, all I have is a cat. An adorable cat, but a cat nevertheless. So I’ve just spent the morning with her, snuggled up, currently watching some chick-flick/romantic comedy films. Right now, I’m watching Midnight in Paris. For a book and travel loving daydreamer like me, this movie is absolutely perfect. I highly recommend you check it out!

My snuggle buddy and I. :)
My snuggle buddy and I. 🙂

I’ve noticed through this whole mess though, that I don’t have as many real friends as I thought I did. I mean, I know a lot of people, and call a lot of people friends, but as I’ve been bored and scrolling through my phone to find someone to text to keep me company, I realized that there aren’t very many people that I really want to talk to. I think it’s just strange how that happens. You can feel like you’ve got so many people that you feel close to, when really, there aren’t very many. And there was only one friend that I was really even interested in talking to yesterday; my best friend, but that’s a given. Seeing all of this has prompted me to think about who exactly I’m calling “my friends”. I’m not a kid anymore, I think it’s time to invest myself into building real friendships with people, meaningful ones. Maybe that’s why I’ve not found the right guy to date, because I’m not investing myself into finding the right people to be around? Who knows. All I know is that I want to focus more on the quality of the friends that I have, and less on the quantity. There’s not much use in having a whole bunch of “friends” when you can’t count on them to be there for you, and when you don’t even feel as though you want them there when you need them.

Well, I suppose I’ll bring this little post to an end, after all of that nonsensical rambling. I hope you are all having a much better weekend than I am at the moment, and here’s to hoping that this cold clears up soon. 🙂

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

P.s.- If you have any movie recommendations of things I could download, or anything that I should watch on Netflix while I’m cooped up in bed, please PLEASE let me know in the comments! 🙂 I’m running out of decent entertainment.