Sleepy Sundays | Don’t call it a comeback

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So, we meet again, you cute little blog you. I’ve missed this, I really have. Sometimes you forget how good something simple like this can feel, just releasing all your thoughts onto a screen, letting anyone that’s willing read everything you’ve decided to share. Life gets in the way, I’m sure you know how it goes. But today, after so much time away, I’m back. Will I stick with it? Make time for something I enjoy in life for once? Who knows, but I appreciate each and every one of you that kept following me, even as I was away for months on end. You’re beautiful and I love you.

Now, with all of that out of the way, let’s chat. After all, that’s what I always wanted to do with this blog. I wanted to get my thoughts out of my head, and written down on paper, even if that was through a keyboard on a public forum. I wanted to talk to people, interact with them, learn from them, get to know them, and become friends with them. So let me just ask, how are you? How are things going? I’m doing well. Things are going okay I suppose, all things considered. Nothing too exciting has happened in my life since we last talked. It may have even grown just a little more monotonous since then, if that’s possible. I’ve fallen into a routine; get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, and repeat. Monday through Friday, this is my life. I wish I were able to switch it up, to add a little spice to my life. How do you do it? How do you keep your life exciting? Please, share your secrets with me Senpai.

The most exciting thing that happened to me this weekend was when my Amazon order arrived yesterday, containing a new Electric Kettle and some cupboard organizers for all of my tea; who knew life could be filled with so much excitement?! I know I didn’t! All joking aside, I was sincerely thrilled to open up my new kettle, but I digress. Maybe I’m just in a rut? That’s possible I suppose. Or maybe it’s because my birthday is just a few short weeks away, and I’m beginning to feel the pressure that comes along with it. I’ll be 23, which may not sound old or important, but there is a lot of pressure coming along with this birthday. My parent’s think I should be settled down with that “perfect someone”, thinking about getting married and starting a family, my friends think I should already be finished with college and moved into my own place, partying it up. When in reality, I’m 22, living at home, single, fighting to finish this bachelors degree, and working a full-time job that brings no joy or excitement to my life, and chasing Pokemon in my spare time. Oh goodness, this is turning into a very “woe is me” sort of post. I need to change things up, turn it around.

Maybe I should share some things that make me happy, who knows, maybe that will pull me out of this little funk I seem to be in at the moment.

One seemingly unusual thing that always makes me happy is a strange one to describe. I suppose its essentially just the wind, but it’s much more than that to me. I love that feeling, when you’re sitting outside on a slightly cooler night, in-between the summer heat and the autumn chill, reading or just watching the world go by, when the wind sweeps across your face and you feel completely calm and safe, even if just for a moment. It makes me so happy to know that moments like that exist.

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My cat is also another point of sheer happiness for me. I mean, just look at her! Look at that face! She has this way of knowing when I need her. She’s always so quick to come and snuggle with me when I’m feeling down, or ill, or upset. Even when she’s being obnoxious, or irritating, she still has a way of making me feel so genuinely happy, all the way to my core, no matter what. For instance, she is currently laying on my chest, partially blocking my access to the keyboard on my laptop, and just being a general pain, and I still smile like a fool each time I look down at her sweet little face snuggled up against my arm.

As much as my family has a tendency to be a bit overbearing and hard to handle, I’m still filled with happiness each time I remember how lucky I am to have them. After the horrible events in France, TexasMinnesota, Louisiana, Turkey, and so many more these past few weeks, I’m feeling even luckier than usual to have my family, and to know that I have people out there to fall back on and lean on when things get tough. They are all absolutely insane, pushy, and ridiculous, but I couldn’t imagine my life without them.

Lastly, one of the things that makes me happiest; daydreaming. I’ve always loved the fact that we’ve all got this ability, this superpower, to transport ourselves to another time or place in our own minds. We’re all equipped with our own mental T.A.R.D.I.S, if you will. If I’m unhappy, or feeling stuck, or sad, or anything in between, I can simply imagine that my life will take a different turn in the future, or imagine that I’ve stumbled into a new place, or just lay back, and let my daydreams guide me. There’s no limit to the amount of things I can accomplish in a daydream. No one cares how I look in a daydream. There’s no body shaming, there’s no cruelty, and there’s no fear. It’s a completely pure space, untainted by the outside world, and it is one of my biggest sources of happiness.

And with that my friends, this Sleepy Sunday post has come to a close, and I’ll have to drag myself out of bed to start my day. My tea is gone and my cup is dry. I hope you enjoyed reading this ramble that I’ve decided to put out onto the internet, and that you found something to take with you from it. Whether that be something life changing, like learning your daydreams are a T.A.R.D.I.S, or simply just the memory of how adorable my cat is, I hope you’ve had a lovely few moments here with me.

Please feel free to leave me a comment and chat with me, or check out the “Contact Me” page to send me an email. I would love to hear from you and get to know you.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

 

 

 

Sleepy Sundays | I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22

My brother and I, at my first birthday, August 7th, 1994.  Yes, I still eat cake that way.
My brother and I, at my first birthday, August 7th, 1994.
Yes, I still eat cake that way.

Birthdays. What can you say about them really? Some people love them and some people hate them, but I for one, fall into the “love” group wholeheartedly (for the most part). I am not someone that dreads getting older or has an existential crisis every time their birthday rolls around, but I am someone that does a lot of contemplating and thinking when this day comes back around each year.

I'm pretty sure I saw a girl leaving Starbucks wearing this exact sunflower dress yesterday. The baby version of me was such a trendsetter.
I’m pretty sure I saw a girl leaving Starbucks wearing this exact sunflower dress yesterday.
The baby version of me was such a trendsetter.

Friday, August 7th, was my birthday. I spent it with friends and family having one of my favorite meals, eating yummy cupcakes, enjoying more than a few cocktails, and reminiscing about life and all the birthdays I’ve celebrated before this one. Every year for at least the last 5 years or so, I sit down, and just think. I think about all the things I have or haven’t done this past year, I think about the chances I took and the ones I let slip by, I think of all the happy and sad times, and I think of what I expected life to be at this moment. I always have a clear picture of what I want my life to be and where I want to end up, and coming to terms with the fact that I have no control over those things is a tough one for me. Well, I wouldn’t say that I have absolutely no control, but there are many things that just happen how they are mean’t to in life, and there’s not much you can do about it.

This is still the face I make when someone asks me to "smile for the camera!"
This is still the face I make when someone asks me to “smile for the camera!”

In a perfect world* (from the point of view of a daydreaming, introverted, bookworm that has an intense love for adventure and smiles), I would be travelling right now. Making the most of my youth, exploring all the places I’ve written about on this blog and many, many more. I would be standing on top of a mountain in Greece, staring off into the ocean contently thinking about where I’ll go next and what places I want to see. I’d be writing every day, and putting it all out there for the world to see. I’d never worry about money or material things, because who needs that when you have so much to see and do in life? Books would never be far from my hands and a smile would never be far from my face. I’d be happy, in the purest sense of the word.

But it isn’t my perfect world. Instead, I’m a struggling student, working a full-time, at a supremely boring and mundane office job, while tackling a full-time course load. I’m stuck in midwestern Missouri in the middle of America, with no funds to get out. I’m drowning myself in student loan debt in hopes of giving myself a better future. I’m boyfriendless and single in a place where that is a rarity. I’m not fit and healthy, as I would so love to be. I’m not writing everyday or living out my passions and dreams. But one thing that I realized on my birthday this year, is that I am happy. In the purest sense of the word. And that is all that matters to me right now. I may not be where I’ve dreamt of being in life, but I’m happy. I’m meeting new people and making new friends all the time. I’m exploring my own city and creating my own adventures. I’m writing a lot more than I used to, even if all of that writing is still sitting in my drafts folder and hasn’t been posted here.

This is one of many football team related photoshoots that my parents forced upon me as a child. American parents and their sports, you can't get away from it.
This is one of many football team related photoshoots that my parents forced upon me as a child. American parents and their sports, you can’t get away from it.

This birthday has shown me that I don’t always need to be in control. I can still lead a happy life, even if it isn’t what I expected it to be. Even when I have hard days, and bad days, and even on those days where I just want to sit on the floor and cry from all the stress, it will all be worth it in the end, and it is all worth it right this moment, just for those days where I am filled with pure happiness.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the little glimpses into my life and child hood throughout this post with the random photographs I’ve decided to throw in. What’s a good birthday post without a little bit of a throw back.

I will leave you now, as I always should, with a quote from Harry Potter.

What’s comin’ will come, an’ we’ll meet it when it does. -Rubeus Hagrid, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, page 719

And now, at the very end, you get me, in my current state. Hair that somehow always manages to be untidy at all times, Superhero t-shirts, and a cat in the background.
And now, at the very end, you get me, in my current state. Hair that somehow always manages to be untidy at all times, Superhero t-shirts, and a cat in the background.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

Sleepy Sundays | The one with a cold

I took this photo in Ontario on the shore of Lake Superior. This is where I wish I was right now.
I took this photo in Ontario on the shore of Lake Superior. This is where I wish I was right now.

Once again, I’m laying in bed, this time with a cup of hot chocolate nearly overflowing with whipped cream, and a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on top. It’s happiness in a cup, and happiness is what I need right now. Yesterday I intended to write and post a blog post, wash all the bed sheets, go to lunch with some friends, maybe see a movie, then have a relaxing evening at home, but sadly, the universe intervened. I ended up at home all day in bed with a pounding headache and a cold. Netflix was my only comfort as I stayed snuggled up in bed with blankets and pillows all around me. There weren’t enough tissues or cough drops in the world to help me. But I thought maybe I’d wake up this morning and be good as new, “maybe it’s a 24-hour thing” I told myself, but no, wrong again. If it’s possible, I feel even worse today. Achy all over, sneezy, sleepy, and all the other seven dwarfs too. Sick days are never fun, but they are especially crap when its the weekend, the only two days when there’s no work and you’re meant to be having a nice time before the dreaded Monday rolls back around. But instead of enjoying these past couple of days, I’ve been here, in this spot, on my bed, in these pajamas, making my way through the titles available to me on Netflix, going through two boxes of tissues, a half gallon of orange juice, and an endless amount of cough drops. Lemon Mint Ricola cough drops to be exact, my favorites. The only saving grace is when it’s time to take more NyQuil to have a little rest.

This is one of those times when a boyfriend would be nice. The time when I’d love to have someone to keep me company, play with my hair to make me feel better, have a Netflix binge with; someone that can just all around make me feel better and make me laugh through all the sickly feelings. But alas, all I have is a cat. An adorable cat, but a cat nevertheless. So I’ve just spent the morning with her, snuggled up, currently watching some chick-flick/romantic comedy films. Right now, I’m watching Midnight in Paris. For a book and travel loving daydreamer like me, this movie is absolutely perfect. I highly recommend you check it out!

My snuggle buddy and I. :)
My snuggle buddy and I. 🙂

I’ve noticed through this whole mess though, that I don’t have as many real friends as I thought I did. I mean, I know a lot of people, and call a lot of people friends, but as I’ve been bored and scrolling through my phone to find someone to text to keep me company, I realized that there aren’t very many people that I really want to talk to. I think it’s just strange how that happens. You can feel like you’ve got so many people that you feel close to, when really, there aren’t very many. And there was only one friend that I was really even interested in talking to yesterday; my best friend, but that’s a given. Seeing all of this has prompted me to think about who exactly I’m calling “my friends”. I’m not a kid anymore, I think it’s time to invest myself into building real friendships with people, meaningful ones. Maybe that’s why I’ve not found the right guy to date, because I’m not investing myself into finding the right people to be around? Who knows. All I know is that I want to focus more on the quality of the friends that I have, and less on the quantity. There’s not much use in having a whole bunch of “friends” when you can’t count on them to be there for you, and when you don’t even feel as though you want them there when you need them.

Well, I suppose I’ll bring this little post to an end, after all of that nonsensical rambling. I hope you are all having a much better weekend than I am at the moment, and here’s to hoping that this cold clears up soon. 🙂

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

P.s.- If you have any movie recommendations of things I could download, or anything that I should watch on Netflix while I’m cooped up in bed, please PLEASE let me know in the comments! 🙂 I’m running out of decent entertainment.

Sleepy Sundays | Why do some men act like this?

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Here I am, once again laying in bed with a nice hot cup of tea, setting out to write down all the thoughts in my mind. This one however, is more difficult to write. I don’t know what words to use to express how I’m feeling right now. Let me preface this post by saying that I am a romantic person, a hopeless one at that. I love the whole concept of romance and love, and hope with every inch of me that I’ll be able to find that love and romance that so many others have managed to find. I want to find someone to grow with, to learn with, and to explore with. I do not however, need to find someone to complete me. I am complete all on my own. I don’t need anyone to be happy in life. I can be happy all on my own. I want to find someone that compliments who I am in that perfect way, that way that makes us each even better people together than we would be separately. I want someone that is kind, and adventurous. I want someone that isn’t afraid to dream. I want someone that isn’t afraid of being themselves. I know that I am not a perfect person. I have flaws like everyone else. I have a little too much fat hanging around on my body, I tend to over-think things in the simplest of situations, I can be passionate and overly emotional at times, and I have forever lived with my head in the clouds. But I have always, and will always be kind to anyone and everyone I meet, live my life with integrity, and take every opportunity for adventure that comes my way, and I hope that someday I will find a man that accepts me for who and what I am, and gives me the chance to do the same. With all these things running through my mind, I also find it important to say that I will never settle. Far too often these days, I hear family members and various other people commenting on my love life. Just last week I heard my mother tell someone that I’ve “simply given up on men and love”. But that’s just not the case. I have given up on something, but it isn’t love, and it isn’t men; I’ve given up on living my life to please other people, and I officially gave up on it last night at 11:57 pm.

Last night, I went on a date. A date that I only agreed to go on to please my family and friends. To show them that I haven’t given up and that I still want to find love. I do this every so often, when people seem to be getting antsy about me sitting in my room too often, or laying at the park with my nose in a book too frequently, and this time was no different. A friend of mine made a comment about my dating life in front of my mother, and it started this whole conversation between them about me, while I was sitting right in front of them. And by the end of it, they had convinced me to say that I would love to go out with my friend’s boyfriend’s brother. A blind date. A horrible blind date at that.

Yesterday was the day, and I did my best to stay positive about it, I even managed to get a bit excited about the prospect of meeting someone new and maybe hitting it off. It’s been nearly two years since I ended my last real relationship, and I guess I assumed that maybe it was time to take dating seriously again. That’s not to say that I haven’t gone on dates since I ended my relationship, I’ve gone on plenty, the issue here, is that they’ve almost all gone the same way this one did; horribly.

I got to the restaurant, after having made the whole effort that a girl is expected to on a date; hair, makeup, outfit, the whole thing. He arrived a bit later, and greeted me nicely, gave me a little compliment, all good things so far. It was only when we sat down at the table and started talking that I started to become increasingly upset and annoyed with the whole situation. The waiter arrived and my date didn’t bother to look at him, greet him, or do anything that common courtesy and manners would normally see as standard procedure for interacting with another human being. He was just quite cold about the whole situation. But I shrugged it off and tried to keep things going. I told him about school, and all the things I’ve been up to recently, and various other things that you talk about when trying to get to know another person, but he seemed to only want to talk about himself, mainly the things that he has or the things that he’s accomplished, nothing about who he was or the person that he hopes to be. Almost as if I should be impressed and appreciative that I was able to be sitting at the same table as him. I tried to ignore it and just kept going with the date. But then the worst part of the evening came. The waiter brought the food to the table, and everything went downhill. My date was apparently displeased with the service, or the food, or something, I’m still not sure what set it all into motion, but he started being incredibly rude to the waiter, saying that he didn’t know how to do his job and calling him various names that I can’t quite remember at the moment, then called the manager over and was rude to him as well. I was so embarrassed by the whole situation that I couldn’t manage to stay any longer. I complained of a stomach ache, ended the date early, and went home to get into my pajamas, eat some ice cream, and heal from the trauma that is “dating”.

My question for you is why do some men act like this? The majority of the dates I’ve been on lately have gone similarly to this. Is it me? Do I attract men with huge egos and issues with being nice? Is it just the fact that I live in a city in the middle of Midwestern America? Am I overreacting? The whole idea of dating is hard for me. I don’t like the idea of getting dressed up and trying to sell myself to another person, trying to show them all the good bits about me and trying to hide the insecurities that I have about my body and my looks. Its all just filled with so much pressure. So is that why these men that I’ve gone out with have acted like that? Because of pressure? Who knows. All I know is that after eating half a pint of ice cream and binge watching episodes of Friends, at 11:57 pm Saturday on the 23rd of May, I officially gave up on pleasing other people. The next date I go on, will be with someone that I truly want to go out with, someone that is interested in me for me, and someone that I have things in common with. I don’t care if it takes me months or years to find someone that I really want to go out with, or if I have to go to another country to find that person; I refuse to let myself fall into the trap of living my life to make everyone else happy or to fit in to the mold of what I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Maybe the person I am meant to be with is sitting somewhere in Europe or Australia or Canada, dreaming of finding a girl just like me. Maybe he’ll be the sort of man that is kind to the people around him. Maybe he’ll be a dreamer. Maybe he’ll want to explore the world with me. Maybe he will be perfectly imperfect, just right for me. Maybe he’ll be my happily ever after, wrapped in a bundle of silly conversations, morning snuggles, netflix binges, love that isn’t based on appearances, arguments that only last a moment, and a life time of adventures.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx

Sleepy Sundays | What will my future be like?

Once again, I wanted to start this post out with an explanation of the title, and just what this post is all about. Like I said before, I’ve been thinking of doing some series sorts of posts, and I think I’d like this one to be weekly, written and posted every Sunday. A day where I lay in bed on a Sunday morning, sipping a cup of tea, and just write down what is going through my mind. All along I have wanted this blog to be personal, I’ve wanted it to be a place where I could share my thoughts, feelings, and day-to-day life with whoever wants to listen, and I think this particular series of weekly posts is one way to go about it. I approached a friend and fellow blogger for advice on how to go about blogging and how to stay true to what I wanted when I started this and what he thinks about when working on his blog, and his words really resonated with me. He told me to think about what matters to me, and he said “I think about how I would feel, if I was reading my blog in 50 years time. I’d want to be reading about my memories and feelings, my experiences and my opinions. Think about events in your life that have shaped you. Think about what inspires you now. Think about who you really are. The things around you won’t always be there when you leave home and grow old. The magic will be being able to open up your blog and remembering fondly, all those happy moments. Just be you!” So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. And these Sunday posts will be all of those things wrapped up into one neat little (or extremely large, who knows!) post about the things running through my mind each and every sleepy, snuggly, Sunday morning.

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As I lay in bed this morning, with my slightly too hot tea burning my mouth, and my toast leaving a trail of crumbs on my duvet, I can’t help but be happy. Nothing in particular is making me happy today, I suppose it’s just life really. Burning my tongue and making a mess of things isn’t something that would usually start someone’s day off the right way, but for me today it is. I’ve been laying here for an hour now, being completely and absolutely lazy, with no end in sight. Jack Johnson is playing in the background, and the ceiling fan is going full blast in an attempt to counteract the humid heat that’s plaguing me at the moment with summer quickly approaching. As I’m laying here, one topic has been racing through my mind, as it often does, and I just can’t help but wonder what my future holds. Will I ever finish this degree and be finished with college? Will all these student loans kill me like I think they will? Will I ever meet the right guy for me? Does the right guy for me even exist? Where will I be living? Will my dreams of moving to England actually come true, or are they just pipe dreams? Will I have a family? Would I be a good mom? A good wife? A good friend? There are so many questions and thoughts that circle in my mind surrounding this always daunting topic. I often daydream about what my “ideal” future would be, though I say that quite loosely as it is different every time I imagine it. One day I’ll imagine myself being a novelist living in England, in Dorset overlooking the seaside, or in a small village, with a dog and a cat, in a cozy little cottage, living happily waiting for the right guy to come along and sweep me off my feet, eventually starting a family and leisurely traveling the world. Other times I’ll see myself living in busy London, being happily single, working my way up the corporate ladder, but taking time to myself to write and explore the world. Other times still, I just see myself as a nomad, traveling the world, going from place to place, immersing myself into the cultures of the places I’ve been, chronicling my life through books and photographs. All of these variations of my imagined future life would be amazing, but I have to say, the first one would be my favorite. Those sorts of happily ever after scenarios have always been a dream, I mean, who wouldn’t want that? I’ve never wanted a crazy extravagant life, I’ve always been a bit more simple than that. Honestly, all I want in life is to be happy and comfortable. I don’t need a big fancy house, or to be the head of a big corporation, I just need to know that I’ve stayed on the path that I wanted to be on, and that I am well and truly happy with the way my life is going. If someone can say that about their life and mean it, then I’d say that their life has turned out pretty perfectly.

All in all, I’m more than aware that I will never be able to predict my future. But it sure feels nice to dream about it.

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx