Sleepy Sundays | The one where I talk about my insecurities

(Source)
(Source)

Like any human being, there are things I am insecure about. But the one I’m going to talk about today is my biggest insecurity of them all, even though I often put a brave face on about it; I have a thyroid condition. A newly diagnosed one at that. I know that it is something that is incredibly common in the world, and that many people are living with it every day, but it is hard for me. I’ve never gone through anything like this before. Usually I can push the insecurities and fears out of my mind, and make myself feel confident again, but then there are days like today, when it just doesn’t work.

As I’m laying here in bed on this hot and humid Sunday, I’ve been thinking about things and I felt the feeling bubbling up inside me. The feeling that I try to suppress. Sadness; sadness based solely on feeling insecure with the way I look now because of this illness.

I have hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed with it about a month ago, and I’m still learning just what it means. I’ve been told that it’s possible to find the right medication, and the right dosage to put things back in balance, and to help me look more like my old self, but my body will always be scarred from this, and I will never look exactly the same.

About a year ago, I started gaining weight, after no change in diet or anything to prompt a weight gain to go into motion. Once it began, I changed up my diet for healthier food, tried to work out more; anything and everything to combat the problem. Nothing helped. I just kept gaining and gaining and gaining weight, and my doctors didn’t see any need to check on anything or to see if there was another problem happening; not until about a month ago, when I came in weighing the most that I ever have in my entire life, and nearly in tears because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. It was only at that point that they ran some tests and figured out that I had Hypothyroidism.

As someone that knew nothing about it, and had never really heard of it, I was concerned. But rather than going on and on about the specifics of the illness, I’d rather just give you this link, and let you learn about it as you please. In truth, this post is less about the illness, and more about my feelings.

I’ve never been one to place too high of a value on looks. I’ve always viewed people from the outside in, even if it’s hard to believe that people really do that. I’ve never dated anyone because of their looks, or turned anyone down because of their looks, and the same goes for friendships. I believe the person you are speaks so much louder than what your outward appearance is. Maybe that’s just me being too philosophical about things, but whatever. It is a fact that not all of us can age like Jennifer Aniston and Johnny Depp. For the most part, everyone’s bodies will change, and falling for a person based on their looks would not be helpful for a lasting relationship because those looks will inevitably disappear; but that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.

What if I fall for someone, and they take one look at what I look like right now, and don’t want to give me the chance to show them who I am. Does that make any sense? Like, I know that I’m a good person, and I personally feel like I have a lot to offer in a friendship and a relationship, but what if no one is able to look past this new exterior that I have?

I know that these thoughts are silly, and that anyone as shallow as someone would have to be to do that wouldn’t be someone that I’d want in my life, but I can’t stop myself from having these insecurities every so often. I now identify myself as fat. I hate having my picture taken now because I don’t want to see what I look like. It holds me back from putting myself out there. It makes me think that no one would ever be interested in me. It makes me feel completely unattractive. It makes me want to hide. It makes me want to just give up.

But as I type this, I’m reminded that just because I may be fat for the time being (I do apologize to anyone that doesn’t like the usage of the term “fat”, it’s just how I feel I want to describe myself in my current state), it won’t necessarily always be the case. I start medication in a week or so, and that could turn things around. I could start to lose the weight, and I could start to regain a sense of normalcy. But I feel like this sense of… I don’t know… this sense of feeling like I’m less than someone else. Like, why would this person choose me, when he could have that girl over there that looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Do any of you feel the same way sometimes? I know men go through the same feelings at times, which oddly enough makes me feel a little bit better about it.

I’m rambling at this point, I know, but that’s what these Sleepy Sunday posts are for. To give me a platform to ramble through my thoughts, in hopes that I may sort something out in my mind through the act of writing it all down. I haven’t sorted through this one though. I’ve only thrown it all out there for you to absorb. I don’t know what you should take out of it, and I’m more than positive that it was poorly written, but at some point, you just have to put your feelings out there and hope for the best.

By no means do I want anyone reading this to feel bad for me, this isn’t something that I worry about every second of my life, but it is something I wanted to put out there. And by no means do I want anyone to feel like I’m just attention seeking here, because that’s not the case either. The point of it all, is simply that this is my life, and this is something I struggle with, and this is how I feel about it. That’s it. No underlying meanings. No philosophical meaning to be had. Just words. Just the ramblings of a girl, feeling insecure, not able to accept her changing body, and worrying that no one that she’s interested in will be able to look past it. Surely someone out there must understand how that feels.

To end this post on a more positive note, I have been writing a few more posts this weekend that I’m excited to share with you! Two travel inspiration posts, one personal post, and my very first book review post! I can’t wait to get them finished up and posted for you all to read, and I truly hope you enjoy them!

I hope you’re doing well, where ever you are in the world, and I wish you all the best.

-Lexie Xx